Concrete, longing & internal bleeding

Transitions can be rough, but I see the time that I'm in right now to be more than a transition...it's a new start. Recently I finished my technical degree in Sound Engineering, and now after praying, yearning, and seeking God's direction, I feel a surrealistic peace as I have entered onto staff at the International House of Prayer in Atlanta (IHOP-Atlanta). It's surrealistic because I feel peace, but also a yearning nervousness that I'm going somewhere I've never gone. One thing that is stretching me is the fact that this also means that I have to raise support. Most people want an American Dream life: 9 to 5 job, nice house, a housewife, 2.5 kids, maybe a dog, and a timeshare apartment in the Bahamas. And while I'm not exactly sure who came up with that "dream," something early on in my life messed up my compatability with that train of thought...in a positive way. When I was younger I went to La Paz Bolivia and was confronted by strict poverty, thus changing whatever worldview I had, and showing me God's heart for the poor, broken, outcast, stranger, widow, orphan, and bottom of the heap. Well, after that I was only happy on the mission field. As I was on the mission field, my relationship with God turned into a scandalous obsession. I wanted more of God, and wouldn't stop yearning...I went after God in my prayer closet and with my guitar. Some people didn't understand me in their cookie-cutter mentality of how life is supposed to operate...or of how God is "supposed" to work; and as isolated as that made me feel at times, I didn't care too much. Then I felt a leading to go to Sound Engineering school, which brought a year in the wilderness of Phoenix, AZ...but also the wilderness of another world view that just didn't understand me. (Which, again, is fine but just hard)

I guess you could say that I'm a square peg in a round hole, which isn't an artist's fugue of teary eyed pity, it's just a truth. Now at IHOP, I'm in awe because I'm not crazy anymore. My passion for prayer, worship, and going headlong into the mystery of God isn't weird, there's a whole staff of people who share the same longing, along with a passion to see a city, nation, and generation changed in the Power and Love of God.

So now I'm raising support to be on staff here. This is hard because I have bills, debts, and expenses for living. Finances have always been a stress for me. It's always been a splashing around in the water to keep my head above. It's something I have to keep working towards, but now I'm transitioning to fully living by faith, and it's got me going a little crazy.

A friend of mine had a dream a few nights ago. There was an earthquake, and a large peace of concrete fell on a man. My friend wanted to go help, but she heard God say, "No, don't lift it off, I need to lift it off. If you lift it off he'll bleed to death." I feel that what God is doing right now is that He's calling me to a place where I will trust Him to lift off this obstacle that's fallen on me. Because to be quite honest a large part of me wants to labor under a job that I don't even feel fulfilled in, if it means being free from this burden. But I feel that God has something more in store for me. This place that I'm at (IHOP) is a place, and season, that God's not only called me to, but created me for. This lifestyle of giving myself daily to prayer, worship, study of the Word of God, and ministering to the poor and the broken is an undying passion that I am willing to live day to day trusting God for provision, and direction. So I will wait for the LORD's salvation, and His grace, in this life altering time.

Of Cisterns and Other Leaky Things...

I'm in a transition. Actually, I've been in a transition for about 28 years. People always talk about "transitions," and as if it's a bad thing, it's something that they continually try to "get over." Well, Job, Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Joshua, Paul, Elijah, Jeremiah...seemed to always be in transition, but it wasn't called "transition." Reading their words, it seems like it could better be called "life." Lately, I've come to the startling realization that I'm Messed Up. I've been praying for more of God for about 10 years now, and now the only satisfaction I get is when I'm praying, or worshipping. Any and all "kingdoms" that I've built for myself lately have proven rubbish, all earthly belongings have shown themselves to be dirt, all "good works" a filthy rag, and all attempts of any ambition whatsoever is slammed against a brick wall.

This morning I'm in the prayer room. I'm here mainly because I'm tired of sleeping, eating, crying, and pretty much anything of the concrete kingdoms we have built for ourselves. It just doesn't make any sense. Why do we fill our lives with stuff that fade? We've filled it with so many things that not only have a habit of hurting us, but stuff that will keep us going in a continual circle of meaninglessness. TV, time saving devices, expensive cars, instruments of vice, objects of pride, and spectacles made for attention. People may argue, "Well that's what life is about: building a life for yourself, making a family, making a career, being successful..." Well, that's not my life. It might make me weird that I don't live for that, but that's OK; besides, I'm not so sure "weird" is how God made me, or what He thinks of my existence. I believe He made me this way, and now I can't be anything else out of good conscience or attempt.

Last night, on the evening of my 10,263rd day of transition. I was praying, because this transition isn't getting any easier. I felt like God was leading me to read Jeremiah. He stopped me at Jeremiah 2:13, "For My people have committed two evils; They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, And hewn themselves cisterns-broken cisterns that can hold no water." The verse made me hit my knees. How often does education, career, "bigger and better," define a successful life. Well, my friend..."The world and it's desires are fading away." Let me be one of those who lives in the fresh newness of life. Let me be defined by who I am in the presence of the Almighty God.

Forever Running Home: Part II

Tonight I sat outside to look at the moon. I miss the moon. It's been awhile since I've taken a deep drink of it. Gazing at it through the crooked limbs of a gigantic tree in the backyard, I just sat silently soaking in the cool Georgia night. The limbs of the tree I was looking through twisted and turned, every so often presenting leaves to mesh the sky that I was peering at as best I could. The tree in my cousin's backyard is condemned, and while I have no idea what makes a tree condemned, it's a shame because it is phenomenal in its organic majesty. Not the kind of majesty like a king, or the Boston Pops Symphony blaring out "Joy to the World;" it's more like the kind of majesty that is that way just because of the way it commands the landscape. Simple. Quiet. Majestic.

Out of the pantry of randomnimity, my mind began to drift into thinking what the specifications where for cross wood, back around the turn of BC to AD. (Yes, I didn't see that thought coming either, but seriously) Would they make the crosses out of condemned trees? My guess is that the people given the task to make crosses, probably didn't toil under the thought of the gravity of any spiritual or philosophical meaning while on working on the clock. Of course, in Galatians 2:13 it says, "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: 'Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.'" So even if the tree was not cursed, the very act was. Regardless, that tree was utilized as the arrow to shoot into the heart of mankind, and even now, into my heart.

"Here I am, humbled by Your majesty..." are the lyrics of a worship song we were singing tonight, and it is fitting. All stripped away, just me, God, and the moon; I shutter to think of the exact weight of the moment. Really, the Creator of the Universe...created the moon...created me...wants me....likes me...desires a relationship with me 100 times more than I could ever begin to want one with Him. In the swimming of eternity, I am speechless and lost in a sea that I can't even seem to stay afloat in. In the twirling of mystery lingering in the night sky, I am lost...and just possibly, I may never find myself again.