Concrete, longing & internal bleeding

Transitions can be rough, but I see the time that I'm in right now to be more than a transition...it's a new start. Recently I finished my technical degree in Sound Engineering, and now after praying, yearning, and seeking God's direction, I feel a surrealistic peace as I have entered onto staff at the International House of Prayer in Atlanta (IHOP-Atlanta). It's surrealistic because I feel peace, but also a yearning nervousness that I'm going somewhere I've never gone. One thing that is stretching me is the fact that this also means that I have to raise support. Most people want an American Dream life: 9 to 5 job, nice house, a housewife, 2.5 kids, maybe a dog, and a timeshare apartment in the Bahamas. And while I'm not exactly sure who came up with that "dream," something early on in my life messed up my compatability with that train of thought...in a positive way. When I was younger I went to La Paz Bolivia and was confronted by strict poverty, thus changing whatever worldview I had, and showing me God's heart for the poor, broken, outcast, stranger, widow, orphan, and bottom of the heap. Well, after that I was only happy on the mission field. As I was on the mission field, my relationship with God turned into a scandalous obsession. I wanted more of God, and wouldn't stop yearning...I went after God in my prayer closet and with my guitar. Some people didn't understand me in their cookie-cutter mentality of how life is supposed to operate...or of how God is "supposed" to work; and as isolated as that made me feel at times, I didn't care too much. Then I felt a leading to go to Sound Engineering school, which brought a year in the wilderness of Phoenix, AZ...but also the wilderness of another world view that just didn't understand me. (Which, again, is fine but just hard)

I guess you could say that I'm a square peg in a round hole, which isn't an artist's fugue of teary eyed pity, it's just a truth. Now at IHOP, I'm in awe because I'm not crazy anymore. My passion for prayer, worship, and going headlong into the mystery of God isn't weird, there's a whole staff of people who share the same longing, along with a passion to see a city, nation, and generation changed in the Power and Love of God.

So now I'm raising support to be on staff here. This is hard because I have bills, debts, and expenses for living. Finances have always been a stress for me. It's always been a splashing around in the water to keep my head above. It's something I have to keep working towards, but now I'm transitioning to fully living by faith, and it's got me going a little crazy.

A friend of mine had a dream a few nights ago. There was an earthquake, and a large peace of concrete fell on a man. My friend wanted to go help, but she heard God say, "No, don't lift it off, I need to lift it off. If you lift it off he'll bleed to death." I feel that what God is doing right now is that He's calling me to a place where I will trust Him to lift off this obstacle that's fallen on me. Because to be quite honest a large part of me wants to labor under a job that I don't even feel fulfilled in, if it means being free from this burden. But I feel that God has something more in store for me. This place that I'm at (IHOP) is a place, and season, that God's not only called me to, but created me for. This lifestyle of giving myself daily to prayer, worship, study of the Word of God, and ministering to the poor and the broken is an undying passion that I am willing to live day to day trusting God for provision, and direction. So I will wait for the LORD's salvation, and His grace, in this life altering time.